Should They Move Across the Country to Live with Son and His Wife
Category: Family and Retirement
October 30, 2024 — A reader wrote in with this unusual request for advice. It is a very common conundrum for retirees – should they move across the country to live near their adult children? Or, retire where they had planned to, and see the kids when they have the time. We thought it a good idea to put the question to the Topretirements audience to benefit from their collective wisdom, so here goes.
The couple, who are nearing retirement, live in the Northeast. Their only child, a son, married last year lives in the Midwest. He and his wife are looking forward to having children in the next few years. This past spring the son surprised his parents by asking them to consider moving to be near them, in fact sharing a house. The idea was that the parents would put up the money to build an in-law apartment or ADU (Accessory Dwelling Unit), where the parents would then live.
There would be advantages to such a move. The family would all be close together. Expenses could be shared. When children arrive the grandparents could conveniently take on some of the childcare responsibilities. The grandparents could cash in on the considerable home equity of their existing home, since the investment in the in-law apartment would be much less.
There are disadvantages too. One is the unknown – will the family get along when they are all in close quarters? Will the child care responsibilities be too much, or will the different generations differ on how to raise children? How can the various parties extract themselves from the situation if someone changes their mind or divorces? Moving a thousand miles away, the older couple would have to give up friends, their existing home, and familiar haunts. Although they mostly work remotely or on the road, the last few years of their working careers would either have to be completely remote, or given up.
Many people face similar situations. They are close to their children and want to be near them, particularly when grandchildren are involved. But they also like where they live now, and don’t want to give that up.
So what would you counsel?
If you were in the same shoes as this couple, what would you do? Buy in the ADU, move somewhere nearby in the Midwest, or stay put where they live now? Or some other option. We would love to hear other people’s thinking on this complicated issue. Please share your thoughts in the Comments section below.
For further reading:
Family section in the Topretirements Blog
Comments on "Should They Move Across the Country to Live with Son and His Wife"
Shauna says:
There are just so many issues to consider and agreements that must be made before jumping in to a situation like this. What do the parents want their retirement to look like?
How much childcare would the son and his wife expect? Do the parents dream of traveling, volunteering, taking classes etc. in their retirement? That would be hard to fit in if they are expected to watch the children while the parents work. It does get to be a slippery slope. Also, what would happen if the son and his family had to move away to follow a job? Then the parents would be forced to either move out or buy the home in a place in which they no longer have ties. There would need to be a written agreement about how much childcare would be involved, how expenses would be split, how things would be handled if the house was sold etc. As a solution, they could possibly sell their existing home, downsize to a condo where they currently live and also get a condo near their son for extended visits (or even do the ADU idea with the prospect of getting back a percentage of the proceeds if the house were to be sold down the line). Obviously then they would not be available for constant childcare, but then, do they really want to take that on? Of course, a lot would depend on their financial situation. If their net worth is mostly in the value of their current home, then this idea would likely not be feasible. Lots to consider and many expectations need to be thoroughly discussed.
Mary Ellen Jensen says:
I think Shauna did a great job of summing up the complex issues of making such a huge decision.I recommend that the parents rent a condo or apartment & see how they like the area & close proximity’s to son & family before selling their home. I would also be leery of written agreements as enforcing them within a family could be problematic. Another thing to consider is that situation is always going to change. Children will get older & will require less help & grandparents will get older & require more help. Definite pluses & minuses to close proximity.
Karen says:
I think it's wonderful that their son wants them close. There are definitely pros and cons. I have lived next to my in laws my entire married life and they were so great when the kids were small and my kids loved being able to go over to Grandma & Grandpas. We definitely had to establish boundaries which my husband was good at and at times I resented my lack of privacy. When they got older it's been hard trying to work full time, take care of my family as well as take care of them. We sometimes feel resentful of the other siblings that don't help. All in all, I don't regret it and the love that we have shared is a gift. My youngest will be moving out soon and I hope to be close to them, although maybe not too close! In the end, nothing is more important than family.
Kat says:
It depends on communication, the relationships and expectations. My own parents chose to remain in their original home a few states away. Not only did they not get to have close relationships with their grandkids, but when my parents had health issues I was too far away to be much help. (I was working, had small kids & my spouse was also ill.) It was horrible to talk with caregivers & doctors but be unable to actually be there with them. When I retired, I chose to move to the location where some of my kids were putting down roots (one kid has since been relocated for work, which is always a possibility). We helped each other out during the pandemic, I babysit & have great relationships with my grandkids, etc. Simple things like being able to pick them up at an airport, pet-sitting or grabbing a qt. of milk for another household when shopping can make life easier for everyone. BUT I also try to stay out of their business & have my own life & activities -- and try not to be a burden in any way. It's a balancing act. We know that the odds are good that eventually there will be difficult times and the kid(s) nearest to me will end up having to help the most. Our family is pretty realistic about the future since I'm the only surviving parent/grandparent among all my kids & their spouses.
Yolande says:
Oh boy! This is a sticky situation! I agree with a lot that was said here in the way of advice. However, my thoughts are: they're getting older, do they really want to live in a place that's colder than where they are now? A lot of truth involved in the raising of kids. Do they want to spend their retirement baby sitting grand kids, or enjoying the life they worked hard to achieve, because they would be raising the grand kids at that point.
I like the idea of living near family but that comes with its own set of problems, especially with rearing kids. The divorce point was also valid although we hope that isn't the case. Me personally, although I like the idea of them moving closer to family but the "what ifs" presented here are very real and can be complicated. I think if they're not retired yet, love where they live, have time to travel when they can until they do retire, they should stay where they love living and have roots, until they begin to feel maybe they can't take care of themselves anymore.
I say stay put, don't rush into anything, see how things go when the grand kids come along, then make your decisions at that time. Don't jump into something all of you may regret. Unless you're a close family that gets along 80% of the time, and can work through differences, it might be a bit too risky.
This is a really hard decision to make. Take it slow and easy, play it by ear and see how things go as the changes come along. I hope this was helpful.
Admin says:
My wife and I have four kids and thirteen grandkids. The closest is 850 miles away, the furthest is appx. 1200, and moving with his job this fall.
We love all of them, but we also agree that when things get too noisy (and kids will be noisy!), we go out to our trailer and decide what we want to see or do next.
They left us, not the other way around! We raised them (and they all turned out pretty good!) without parents or siblings to help out and putting in their two cents worth of conflicting ideas.
Besides it sounds like someone is wanting to get out and do things because Grandma and Grandpa never do anything anyway!
Maybe that's exactly what they want to do! NOTHING!
Admin says:
Our daughter and grandchildren live in CA, we in CT. They love their lifestyle there as do we. Wish they lived closer, but we are don't want to pull up stakes and start over in a faraway state. The grandkids will growup fast, and while we miss a lot, we do see them 3 times a year along with Facetime and Caribu story time and games. If they were closer we could help with their hectic lives, feel bad about that.
Daryl says:
We’re looking into this possibility with our only child, SIL, and grandchild. Our fantasy would be a compound like the Judd family (!) but the perfect solution would be a duplex on a small lot sharing only the outdoor space, since our housekeeping habits are opposites. My husband lived next door to his grandparents as a child and gleefully escaped there daily. My grandmother lived with us, too, and I don’t think I would have made it without her. As for personality type, both daughter and SIL like to go-go-go and we like to stay, so we make the perfect babysitters, and love it. Frankly, we’re better parents now than before (as our daughter has repeatedly snidely remarked,) and the kid is game for anything, so we take him everywhere. I hope we can work it out.
Daryl says:
Forgot to add (oh no, there’s more) that we look forward to moving out of state, since we love/hate the same locations, and they promised not to move to a place with more snow than where we are now!
Jan says:
Our three adult married children (six grandchildren in total - two each) live in three different locations, and we wouldn't want to choose one over the others. Plus, we love where we live and have built up a wonderful social group. So, we invite our adult children to take a vacation as couples, and we go and stay with the grandchildren so their parents can get away. In fact, heading out in about an hour to do just that. They love that. We live in Florida, so they frequently visit and enjoy the beach and warm weather. We also take them on a Disney cruise when it's age appropriate, as well as on regular cruises. And often fly to where they live to watch their soccer, basketball, and baseball games, and celebrate holidays. It works for all of us, at least at this point.
Editor's comment: I love what you are doing Jan. Very close to what we are trying to do with our 3 grandchildren in California. What to you think is age appropriate for a Disney cruise?
Barbara Coleman says:
Full time baby and childcare for people 60 and up is very tiring and wears people down with time. If people have no medical issues it could work but babysitting 2 days per week would be ideal. The grandparents could do their errands, grocery shopping, go to appointments and doctor visits, play golf or other sports, take day trips, see friends their own age and still have their own life and freedom. Full time childcare is a burden for older people no matter how much they love their grandchildren.
Daryl says:
I think it’s important to do what YOU really want to do, instead of feeling angry or guilty and relying on other people to validate your choices for you. My entire adult life I listened to the voices of society telling me how I should live, what I should enjoy doing, who should be my friends, etc.etc,etc. I’ve finally realized what’s important to me, and using the golden rule as my guide, treat everybody else accordingly. So do what is in your best interest, tell your kids why you feel that way, and let’s see if they care as much about your feelings as you do about theirs. Im tired of strangers holding up score cards as I walk through life.
Steve T says:
Daryl's right. I'm retired and lived thru a similar situation. All the comments and concerns are valid but in the end you have to do what's right for you.
Pete says:
First realize this is a huge decision for everyone involved, that's everyone. Once you move everything changes, permanently. You will have to make significant adjustments as will your children if you choose the ADU. Also realize you are combining two seperate independent families to live in close quarters; very tricky situation, especially if grandchildren are involved. This may work out but I can guarantee it won't be as you imagine it will be. Privacy will be an issue you will have to compromise on. The kids will become the priority, not you, and especially the grandchildren when they arrive. As your children and grandchildren age you will be less and less relevant, I can almost guarantee that. What if a job transfer happens? Bottom line is you lived life with your kids now it's their turn to live their lives to the fullest; you may get in the way (as harsh as that sounds). I'm sure there are also other issues to consider. I'm going thru the same thing now but in reverse - I'm retired, live near my sons and grand kids but really want to settle down in retirement in another area of the country. The best course for me is to follow my dreams but visit my children and grand kids for a month or more at a time a few times a year. I also agree with Daryl "Do what's right for you".